Estranged

Warm coffee,
Juicy gossips,
Scrumptuous nasi lemak,
Smiling faces,
That used to spice each morning,
Seems so bland.

If you only knew, my love.

(Chomp, chomp), Errr.. Wassup Doc?

My brother graduated today. Finally, after 6 years of studying, they gave him the scroll he most deserved (I wonder if it's in Russian or English. Hmm).

Everyone knows, it takes huge sacrifices to study medic.

For one, my brother hasn't celebrated raya at home for the past 5 years.. the pains of reading and studying.

Oh, not to mention the emotional trauma too. There's this particular incident - I remember finding him staying awake at night after I came back from my old job (when I was still slaving away till wee hours in the morning).

He was looking rather depressed, passing his time over internet games despite having to clock in early in the hospital for the next day.

MD Bro: Ada patient meninggal harini. First death for me.
Me: Oh? Siapa? Kat mana?
MD Bro: Someone at the OT for heart bypass surgery. I was observing the whole thing.
Me: Erh, OK.
MD Bro: It was supposed to be a normal procedure you know. The patient is one of those yang you won't expect to die lah. Family semua siap datang, sempat berlawak ngan patient semua.
Me: Then, what happened?
MD Bro: The operation was sucessful. Tapi, the patient's heart just died, slowly in several hours after that.

(Silence)

MD Bro: Yang tak tahan tu, cucu dia nangis meraung masa dia dapat tau tok dia dah meninggal. Rasa depressed gila masa tu. I don't know if I can go through this, especially when dealing with patients' family and all.
Me: Erh, maybe you might want to choose a specialisation where deaths are less common lah kut? I mean that's when you further your studies later.. Like E&T ke?

I knew that last part was a silly thing to say, not that it was helping on what he was feeling.

MD Bro: Oh well. That's a long way to go. Tak pikir sangat lagi pasal tu.

At that moment, I was really glad I didn't the path that I initially wanted. Like they say, the first cut is the deepest, so was his first patient's death, I guess.

Anyway, I can't tell you how proud I am to be his sister (tumpang glamer jap). Hehe. Then again, I'm not sure if I'll let him deliver my baby. Yes, he's about to be a fully qualified MD soon, but being his sister, I do feel a little akward in this matter. Oh well, not that it's going to happen anytime soon anyway.

So guilt over. I'm happy enough to have a brother who'd be wearing the white coat saving lives day in, day out while I ride on him for free MCs. :P. Imagine having a pre-signed MC booklet in your house to use as you please. :D

Not bad, eh?

So bro, you made us all proud. And I'm sure mom is the proudest one of all. I guess the scroll justifies you being her favourite all these times, eh? :)

ps: By the way this weekend is going to be the most hectic. Will write about it later.

Lems Like Lembu

Foot prints I've once trailed are now gone. I hope they'll reappear somewhere, somehow.

Days pass so slowly these days. Then again, who the fuck cares anyway.

Seas of Dreams

My cousin just tied the knot last night so yes, I've been very occupied during the weekend. I'll write about that in detail some other time.

I wanted to write about this drema I had. I've had many dreams, mainly absurd with non-sensical storylines, but this one is one of the strangest I've ever had.

Tired from kenduri, I took the liberty to take a nap at my kampung (the event was in Melacca and my grandma's is at negeri).

After eating some durians (oh, heavenly they were!), I lazed around my grandma's bed and fell asleep. People kept entering the room where I was so my nap was greatly disturbed.

It was towards the end of my nap then I saw a man crying. Just when I was about to reach out to him, he's gone. This dream has happened a few times at night, only today it's much more vivid.

At that moment, his sadness penetrated so deeply into my soul that I woke up with immense palpitation on my chest. It felt as though I was the one crying but no, it wasn't me.

If only I knew who he was.

ps: Any dream intepretor reading this right now? I would definitely appreciate an explanation or two on what's going on. Hmm..

Lelaki Melayu Terakhir (LMT)

Sejak movie PMT (Perempuan Melayu Terakhir) keluar masa aku highschool dulu, ramai orang selalu samakan pompuan yang:

1. Ayu dan sopan
2. Gemar memakai baju kurung
3. Pandai menguruskan hal rumah tangga
4. Panda mengambil hati suami dan orang tua
5. Cukup halus budi bahasa

sebagai ala-ala PMT. Memang tak dinafikan, ciri-ciri kat atas tu semua idaman kebanyakkan lelaki Melayu walaupun zaman dah moden. Tapi, berapa ramai yang masih wujud zaman ni?

Aku pun tak berani claim diri sendiri sebagai PMT. Bab memasak pun dah out. Stakat nasi goreng dan kari tu pass lah kut. :D

Kekadang ade gak saya terfikir, wujud tak stereotype seorang LMT? Aku pun teringat atuk aku.

Jadi akupun cubalah senaraikan ciri-ciri LMT mengikut cerita nenek dan pengalaman hidup aku ngan atuk masa dia masih hidup.

1. Penyayang kepada isteri dan keluarga
Kisah klasik yang nenek aku suka ulang tayang cerita tiap kali aku balik kampung ialah kisah naik basikal.

Atuk ngan nenek masatu tengah naik basikal, baru balik dari kebun. Nak dibuatkan cerita, kebetulan masa tu tetiba hujan. Atuk aku pun berenti mengayuh, tanggalkan baju shirt putih dia pastu dia pakaikan kat nenek aku.

Nenek: Along (nama manja atuk aku) nanti tak sojuk ke?
Atuk: Takpo. Biar Along ghodah hujan ni ha. Manjo (nama manja nenek aku) kang domam. Den takpo do.

Romantiknye lahai.

2. Menjadi tunggak agama kepada keluarga
Bukan nak bangga, boleh dikatakan, kebanyakkan anak-anak atuk aku semuanya khatam quran paling koman 3 kali. Alhamdulillah.

Sampai nafas terakhir pun, atuk pesan kat semua anak dia supaya jangan tinggal semayang, dan kewajipan agama yang lain.

3. Adil dan saksama kepada ahli keluarga, mentua dsb.
Atuk ni fair orangnya. Nenek pernah cerita lepas atuk jual lembu atuk dapatla RM600.

Atuk: Manjo, ni tigo ghatuih tok omak kau, tigo ghatuih tok omak den. Ni pulak kain kapan tok omak kau, ni pulak tok omak den. Samo ghato den buek ni ha.

4. Bijak menguruskan hal kewangan keluarga
Setahu aku, atuk ngan nenek dulu takda harta langsung. Alhamdulillah sebab atuk aku berfikiran panjang, duit dia tu banyak dia belanjakan beli tanah kebun, ladang getah dan dia jugak pernah bawak teksi walaupun dah jadi bersara lepas jadi askar zaman Jepun dulu.

Masa atuk simpan duit tuk beli kebun semua tu, nenek banyak bersinggit ngan orang-orang kampung. Dia salu kene ejek ngan orang kampung pasal recycle baju kurung masa pegi kenduri. Maklumlah, baju yang elok cuma selai je. Nak wat camna, itulah pengorbanan nenek moyang kita kan?

5. Tak mudah berkecil hati / marah melampau dengan mende remeh-temeh
Salah satu sebab atuk beli kebun sebab atuk pernah kene marah masa petik buah kat kebun sedara kitorang. Buah tu tak termakan pun, tapi orang tu kedekut nak mampus.

So, atuk bertekad, dia beli kebun sendiri sebab taknak kene marah dah. Dia pun takde lah nak amik hati sangat dengan mak sedara kitorang tu.

Atuk: Biar den tanam semuo pokok durian, langsat, manggis kek kobun den ni ha sampai tak termakan dek anak cucu den.

Memang betul pun, sampai sekarang kitorang tak terlarat nak makan semua buah tiap kali musim buah. Ada yang terbuang jek. Masin betul doa atuk. Yelah, doa orang teraniaya kan?

Nenek salu cerita, sepanjang hidup nenek ngan atuk, atuk tak pernah jentik pun nenek. Paling dia marah pun, dia tidur. Masatu, nenek mesti buat air atau masak untuk atuk.

Nenek: Lopeh wan siapkan semuo tu, wan kojutkan atuk. "Along, makan." Dia OK lah pastu. Takdo dia mengungkit marah do.
Me: Hah, sonangnya nak pujuk atuk, wan. Wan taknah gadoh ngan atuk ko?
Nenek: Yolah, asam garam ghumah tanggo, sedangkan lidah lagi togigit. Kadang tu gaduh jugak tapi macam tu la gayo atok kau. Dio bangkit, makan, minom, OKlah tu. Takdo dio nak membingit kek telingo wan ni do.

6. Halus budi bahasa
Atuk memang tak pernah cakap kasar, melainkan kalau anak-anak dia malas belajar. Tu memang sah kene rotan.

Kadang memang kalau fikir betul-betul, atuk aku takdelah perfect sangat, tapi aku rasa dia memang contoh yang baik. Sebagai cucu yang rapat ngan atuk, masa dia jaga aku dulu mestilah aku rasa dia atuk paling best skali di dunia. Bagi aku, dialah LMT idamanku. Entah wujud ke tak orang macam atuk sekarang ni.

Aku dedicate bidalan nogori buek kenangan aku ngan atuk.

Kulit golap dek toghik matahari, hati toghang dek budi bahso.

Adeh, tetiba rindu plak kat atuk.

Alfatihah.

Oh, Insurance!

Do you have medical insurance? If you don't, you should get one soon, seriously. If you are below 30 it's even better to get one soon - premiums are low for this age band.

I had a conventional insurance with Prudential and was thinking on converting all my insurance/investments to Islamic based products. Unfortunately, I was recently diagnosed with a non-life threatening heart condition which requires no surgery nor drugs (touchwood, at least for now, that's what I'm told). After I declared my entire health record (including the heart condition) for the Islamic policy, they refused to cover me for heart related conditions.

Which got me guessing, what the hell am I getting insurance for? I never liked insurance people in the first place. Always too persistent in selling and liat to pay when the bill falls due. Anywaym that's besides the point.

Even if I didn't declare my existing condition, there is possibility they might found out years later it was pre-existing. Which also means, there is high chance they won't pay the hospital bills related to heart conditions/complications in future (God knows how much it would cost medical care at that time!).

So, since I didn't want to risk ending up getting nothing, I was honest and that, my friend, had backfired me. In fact, they want me to top up my premium by RM130 to get the same coverage as I did in my previous policy (which was signed up 2 years ago)!

My point is - get a medical insurance (or a life insurance, at least) while your health can still afford one. I repeat, health, not just cash.

So for those insurance virgins you might be thinking how do you choose the right policy?

There are two major parts in a typical medical policy (don't be confused with life insurance policy OK? Life insurance usually pays only if you die).

The first type of coverage is usually death and physical diability benefits - loss of legs, toes whatever. This part is less likely to happen if you're young (unless working in a hazardous factory or something).

The other coverage is what I call the real benefits which you might want to pay extra attention to. They are medical benefits which cover things like surgery claims, hospitalisation bills, daily hospital allowance benefits (yeah, you can even get paid spending overnight in the ward) etc.

My experience talking to insurers is that sometimes people think they pay enough for their insurance. You might be paying, say, RM100 to RM200 per month. Looking at the value of RM250,000 for death benefits is absolutely tempting merely paying RM200 per month. Because of the large payouts for death benefits, it is likely that you might have minimal or low medical benefits - for the coverage of hospital bills, surgery etc. It may not be enough and it can be easily maxed out 20 years down the road! So it looks like unless you die, you are hardly getting anything much from your policy (except maybe your descendents).

Naturally, if you are self-employed, the more you should consider having higher the medical benefits in your policy than death and physical disability benefits. Since noone else is covering for your hospital bills, you might as well go all out in the former part than the latter.

As for those employed by others - do not feel that you are safe without insurance. You'll never know how long you can keep your job. God knows, one day if you become terminally ill and have to resign someday (I pray you do not fall into this category so soon or ever), hence, ceased coverage from your employer.

Some policies are also a combination of insurance and unit trust. My recommendation make your life simple. Insurance unit trust doesn't really make money. So, park your money for insurance in a pure insurance company (you will not get your money back as there is no investment but your coverage would be superb) and unit trust for those who really do that business e.g. Public Mutual.

I also heard that most insurance policies do not pay sustenance when you are in-between situation - too sick to work yet you have not lost any limbs or paralysed. So basically, during this period, if you don't have passive income, you are likely to live on your savings (if you have any). So, you might want to check on some policies that give some sort of 'pocket money' during this stage of illnesses. Usually, it's pretty low - RM1K per month, which could hardly make a difference 10 years down the road. So people forgo this to maximise other parts of their policy or even pay extra premium to increase this portion - for fear of having no income when terminally ill.

It feels like gambling now, doesn't it?

If you get sick and hospitalised regularly, like me, medical benefits is more important than death or physical disability benefits. If you think you won't get hospitalised and terminally ill in the next decade or so, you can gamble on maximising payouts in case of loosing a limb or two, or even death, which at the same time is likely to reduce your medical benefits. It is unlikely you can have best of both worlds unless you're paying a bomb.

So, in essence, choose your policy wisely. For those who have, do revisit your policy document and analyse it. You might want to change a thing or two on your coverage after looking back at your initial choice.

Most importantly be prepared, cause you'll never know. Like me, I never thought what I have could be taken so seriously by these people.

Oh, well. Afterall, it's all about the money.

ps: I'm not an insurance agent. I do know some really good ones, if you want me to refer them to. Trust me, they are the ones who gave me all this insurance education thingy. :D

Take 5

Alright, I'm taking a break from story writing. In case you're wondering, it has nothing to do with the living or dead. Inspired by others' stories in some ways, but not entirely. It's a mesh of everything. Plus, I don't have a kid nor married (yet). :P

So, what else's new? I just found out someone's really mad at me. I'd wished to retaliate but then again, there is no point.

Anyhow, it's funny why people think I don't feel what I'm supposed to feel when a certain crisis happened. Just because I don't show it to you, doesn't mean I'm pretending.

Then again, everyone has their own ways of doing things. So do I. So do you. So are their opinions. If in any way, my opinion is harsh, I do apologise. Other than that, in case you are still wondering, I do have other things to do.

So, take your anger and dump it elsewhere. I think, I've had enough of that. Trust me, I have.

That is all. End.

Loveless Affair - Part 3

A few months ago.

My dearest Ava

Tonight is special, I'm celebrating you and your birthday. Please wear this dress I bought for you.

I love you.

Shawn

***

Never has he failed to shower her with gifts and love, everytime, and they have never failed to put a smile on her face.

Loveless Affair - Part 2

Adriana was asleep soundly as she walked in through the bedroom door. She stared at that little being, tucked soundly in her bed, slowly caressing her soft dark brown locks. Like any kid, she's cute as a button.

At times, it seemed that Adriana was the only reason for her being whom she vowed to love forever. In other times, she despised her so much for the resemblance of her face that was her husband's, not hers.

Like some women, her daughter was, the only reason for her to hang on in this flimsy, brittle marraige. The marraige she loathed more each day to the point of potentially suicidal. Yet again, the gruesome thought of slashing her throat in the bathroom always trailed off when she thought of the little munchkin. Perhaps, this was the only love she could ever feel so deeply for someone. Yet each day, that sense of strength seemed to be diminishing, just thinking about those women who had been in bed with her useless husband.

She switched on the laptop placed at the corner of the room. As the screen flashed on, she lit her cancer stick, the usual habit that seemed harder to die off now. Every breath opened up her lungs so much that released so much stress, worries bottled up within. It's the very reason why it's so hard to quit smoking. Fuck new year's resolution. She's given up quitting years ago.

As her messenger signed in, she was looking for that someone. She has, been seeking solace in the virtual world with a certain someone that could have been her true husband.

"Hi, love. I missed you so much. Where have you been?"

"In bed with that useless scum. What about you? Shagged your wife till she's knocked out for the night?"

"Yeah."

Silence.

"Why do you sound so, bitter?"

"I was spying on my husband today. Fuck, hate that word, husband. So overrated, you know. He told me he was going on a business trip, obviously. But I found him going to the usual hotel, in the arms of another woman."

"Did you storm into their room? I would."

"Fuck no. Besides, I don't want to see him while at it with that whore. I might've killed him on the spot. I'm still too nice, the goody two shoes wife, am I not?"

"OK. Sorry to hear that dear. You alright?"

"Fuck, I don't need your sympathy damn it. But yes, I'm fine. Just fine."

"I wonder if you still have those lovely red locks that I loved so much. I wonder how you look like now."

"Changing the topic? I'm still the same, only older, more wrinkles. In short, uglier."

"Nah, I bet you're still as hot as ever."

"Even if I am, you made a pass on me for another woman, who's now your wife, damn it."

"Yeah, I know."

"Now, you're freaking lonely at nights, flirting with another man's wife. Pathetic, innit?"

Silence. More smoke, inhaled, exhaled.

"That makes two of us, friend."

"Indeed. Why do you talk to me, friend? Don't you talk to your wife?"

"Not as much as being with you."

"Do you think we're soulmates? It just seems we know each other so well, too well."

"Maybe. But not all mates end up together."

"That sucks."

"Yeah, I know."

"Let's meet up dear. Next week?"

"Fuck no. Do you think I'll cheat on him? No way, I'm better than that."

"As friends, come on."

"You know, I know, where this can lead to. Just let it be."

"Alright. But you know I love you, even from this distance."

"Shut the fuck up. The word, love. Reminds me of being his whore. He says it while it means nothing. Fucking cheap you know."

"Sorry."

"Don't apologise, I know what you mean. I love you too."

Pathetically, she had always been the loyal wife. Through and through.

Loveless Affair

Her creamy legs were crossed as she sat naked on the velvet chair. Slowly, she lit her smoke and sat still, like a winter chimney beside her sleeping lover. Her mood was not at her best, the usual dissatisfaction that lingered after every weekend amourous sessions.

It's been 6 years and 7 days since she accepted his proposal. What was seemingly thought as the reason for accepting his proposal - love; had turned into something entirely loveless.

Fuck.

Now, she's his fucking whore. Wait, one of his fucking whores.

Often, he would come home with a stench of other womens' sweat on his clothes. To add to the clicheness of it all there was a another woman's earring in the car, lipstick stain on shirt collars and nearby hotel bills charged to his credit card.

Disgusting. Her stomach riled up so much she felt like throwing up any moment now.

Yet, sometimes she wondered, what the fuck was she doing with this man. His overused sex muscles were no longer giving her the orgasmic chills that she used to enjoy. Faces of those women erased the passion that once burned in this room. Too many women - far younger and bimbotic than she could ever be.

That is not the only thing she hates about her lover. His never ending snoring irratated her the most. The snorting sounds kept her awake every other night, just like tonight.

As the night fell deeper in silence, she kept her cigars lit. The taste of each cigar she savored as though it was her last smoke.

She got up and walked to her dressing table facing their bed.

She saw herself in the mirror. For a while she wondered, was there any flaws that made her loose her monogomous rights over her man. There were fine lines around the eyes, flabbiness around her breasts after their first child, and a C-sect scar stretching across her stomach.

Men.

All his promises on loving forever, for who she was, was entirely bollocks. An aged woman, to him, was as as useless as an old cupboard. Too sentimental to be rid of it, yet too embarassing to put it in the main living room. In the mirror, she was no longer herself - sinking slowly behind the images of her cheating husband.

Slowly, she reached for a silver box where she kept her most precious possession.

It was gift from her father for her 25th birthday. Shining under the dim bedroom light was .38 special revolver, as some say, the classic ladies' gun.

The next thing she knew there was blood, too much blood soaking the white linen sheets fitted to their bed.

Fucking die you bastard.

***

The morning sunlight pierced through her eyelids, forcing her out of the bedroom couch. Slightly dazed, she walked to the bathroom, only to find a familiar face doing the usual morning shave.

"Hun, fix me some breakfast will ya." he said, as he kissed her forehead, softly.

Wire Let Loose

I'm so easily annoyed these days.

I'm annoyed with this obnoxious colleague of mine (and, we can't help from being gossip whores in the office when it comes to THIS fella, which increases my annoyance in the end, not the other way). I'm easily agitated from not being able to sleep very well, from having weird appetite a.k.a. kempunan and at times not eating at all, and the horrible traffic despite school holidays period.

I'm annoyed by some people who just happens to drop me a line of hello or two, which shouldn't be annoying in the first place. Weird.

I'm annoyed with a friend who just doesn't know how to appreciate my efforts, when in the first place I should know better how to handle these sticky situations. People can be really weird too.

I'm also annoyed for being so easily annoyed and loosing my cool. After months of being in a cheerful mood, this is probably a delayed effect from accumulated PMS kut.

Damn, it's so annoying.

I'm Being Replaced!

We have a new addition in our family and sadly, my status as the beloved granddaughter has been replaced. Sigh.

Since she's my grandaunt, I'm not too bothered by this because I still have my very OWN grandmama to manja with. Hehe. :P So, takpelah.

Anyway, here she is. Do excuse the quality of the video and weird soundtracks made by my very own voice. I do sound really weird, don't I?

Cute kan? This picture makes me go awww everytime!



ps: Her name is Ayu by the way.

All I Have I Gave it to You

Ujian paling berat bagi aku ialah bila semua bende tak kena, and all you have is faith. This period is probably the hardest for me in my past 25 years of existence (Eh, going to 26 already! Ouch!).

Maybe it's time to retire, admit to defeat (temporarily) until someday I find the necessary motivation to journey through what we term as life.

Life. Such a short word to describe the million things we are put through day in, day out.

It gets tiring being strong.