Realities

My conscious is clear. Truthfully, I was a whirlwind of emotions, especially, during the typical-teenager-turning-into-an-adult period.

At the rate things are going, I've been thinking a lot these days. I hardly get emotionally attached to anything, and it's as good as being numb. No more tantrums, hiding in caves, and now, facing my fears, sometimes even every other day. Occassional emo days still stay but shorter and much less severe.

Life has moved to the next level, like how you levelled up in old classic game of Tetris. The blocks are coming down faster, harder and weirder.

Take for example - my job. It was stressful before. Now, it's more stressful than ever. I'm meeting top management every other month, preparing reports every other week. Once in a while, I get called to talk, present and share knowledge and experience. It's tiring to be the one sought after, sometimes I can't even tell if these people are using me. From what started as an honour for me, became a burden. At times, I find myself justifying for my own existence in the company. It's scary. I guess, everyone has to protect their rice bowls once in a while.

Oh well, every job has it's perks and sacrifices. It makes me feel old, very old, you know.

Relationship wise - I have none. I do, however, have very, very closely matched choices. The first one has the volatile attitude (possibly to "test" or avoid reality until he is ready, God knows, I've stopped trying to understand) and the other one, well, is unique in his own ways.

The latter is patient, funny, soothing and most importantly, understanding. So, yes, you can say I am somewhat at a crossroad. As much as I would like to delay or avoid it, the eventuality seems imminent.

Someone, told me, sometimes women (or people for that matter), need to feel hurt to be happy (speaking of me hoping for the 1st guy to reciprocate properly). I disagree. Trust me, I'm not addicted to pain. Although, the former, may not be adequately stable to my liking, but there are too many variables at play (distance, emotional baggage, you know the drill).

The question is, despite all that I have, am I going to fight for the what seems to be, impossible? I am running out of options and perhaps, the latter, may stand a chance after all. No, don't get me wrong, I'm not treating him as rebound (trust me, I've known him enough to know what I'm getting myself into).

The other issue I have, is about family. Finally, I am going to throw away that lackadaisal attitude and taking them for granted previously. My mom, is getting ill every other month. Though it's just cough and colds, sometimes, I can't help wonder, what if she's gone?

For one, I have no freaking idea how to run her company of 15 people. To some extent, maybe, I have regretted not being an engineer (I've considered that at some point of my life). She's the sole principal managing the relationships and contracts with government people and trust me, I don't know any of them.

I just realised how detached I am from her career and life. Now, I understand why, some families would like their sons and daughters study certain things for continuity of the business empire they've built.

Probably, you'd be thinking I'm thinking too much. Trust me, historically, I find being mentally prepared helps to absorb certain shocks in life.

Having said all that, I am happy that at least, I'm not dealing with life and death situations right now. God, is, somehow helpful when you're going through these things in life. I've become closer to my extended family members who support me, and made very, very, good friends. Not to mention, having some financial stability and new interests to keep myself amused. Life is, good in the end. :)

Goodbye old me. Hello, adulthood.