In My Eyes

A few years ago, I was suffering from long periods of depression and short periods of happiness.

Unhappiness was a plague that infested my body and soul - an annilating force that's tried to kill me from within. Finally, I have found the source of this, plague, and annilated before it got the better of me.

I fought for my right to live. So, I have recovered from many illnesses, except few that are much more treatable with pallathic medicines.

Today, frankly, I have never been more contented. This new sense of freedom has given me the liberty to look at the world more closely. For once, life seems it's just not about me. It's about the actors in this world and trust me, humans make the worst of actors.

Everyday, people would cross my path and sometimes I would cross theirs. What is so glaring now is to see the burden of sorrow that they carry on their shoulders.

I see sorrows and regrets in peoples' eyes - like boulders that straps in a human mind, often creating internal barriers against seizing opportunities.

Reasons for this I often hear are bad childhood, bad experiences with exes/family members/friends, betrayals, etc. The list is endless.

People always avoid these things but often unable to hide them. Sometimes, these experiences are displayed through sorrows in their eyes. Worst if it is so ingrained, that they hardly notice these triggers anymore. Sometimes it evolves into phobia or anger. Worst - total avoidence.

I've always seen an angry person (i.e. panas baran) is a very, very sad person. Frustrations, past hurt and loneliness could be the causes that lead to the display of resentment. Take for example one of my exes. He was (and probably still is) so panas baran that sometimes I wondered what was the root of it. After much investigating I can only think of one major reason - a very angry father who always vehemently expressed anger to him when he was a child. Of course, by having a very garang father would mean his opinions were less heard and that, made him a very, very lonely and sad person.

In turn, the child later grew up as a man that's filled with unknown time bombs. Some of the time bombs make no sense at all. Even the slightest mistakes would trigger a whirlwind of lectures and shouting. That is, before marraige (yes, we had plans to proceed to the next level, alright).

What feared me most was him being an abusive husband - hence one of the reaons I finally let him go.

Another example is a friend (or rather ex-friend) who was always playing victim. Her father left her when she was young and since her mother could barely make ends meet, she clung closely to 'richer' friends.

Because of her victim mentality, she thought she could get away from many 'mistakes' that she did - often over zealously defending her intent on why she did those things and hardly feel guilty about them.

The truth is, it doesn't really matter whether she was right or wrong. Many were hurt by this demeanor of hers - thanks to the sorrow that she carries on her shoulders. The worst part was she substituted her sorrow for something else to compensate her 'lack of happiness' through materialism. So yes, you can pretty much guess that she is outright materialistic. Money represents happiness in her eyes.

It's funny to see how much price we are all paying for unhappiness when in the first place, they originate from ourselves, being the humans that we are. Hence, unhappiness is controllable. The events that trigger unhappiness, however, are not controllable to some extent as we all know.

While these events are a common occurence in our lives, I personally feel it's not about the events themselves. It's about how we overcome them. Sounds cliche and an overused phrase, right? Well, if there wasn't truth in that, then probably it wouldn't have been overused.

Personally, my view is the ultimate price to pay for unhappiness is instead of releasing them from our hearts, we mask them over other things - anger, avoidence, silence, materialism etc. After years of layering and hiding them within ourselves, we forget where did they come from and why we hid them. In other words, we become lost souls.

Then again, these are just my views.