Kekadang, I tau you lonely. You cari I tengah-tengah malam.
Selalu you mintak I on webcam. You rindu nak tengok muka I. Pasal I bosan, I pon on lah.
Kekadang, you flirt dengan I. You suka dengan I, you patut kawin ngan I you cakap.
Tapi, you dah kawin. So, setiap kali, I cakap, jangan cari I, you cari jugak.
Kekadang, I pelik kenapa you tak rasa bersalah. I rasa macam orang jahat tiap kali borak ngan you tau tak?
Sebab time bini you tido, you boleh curahkan perasaan you kat I. Mesti you tau, maksud cheating with your pants on?
So macam ni lah. I cuma nak cakap, mungkin I salah layan you. Nasibla lepas you kawin kita online jek.
Sekarang ni, I angkat kaki. Kalau you tak paham-paham jugak, I nak kata dua bende je.
Fuck off. I tak mau dengar suara anak bini you menangis kat I macam I pernah kene skali dulu (yang dulu tu kes sebab taktau).
Sampai sini ajelah persahabatan kita, orait? 7 tahun ni dah cukup bagi I.
ps: pernah tak tengok citer Enough? Macam tula I rasa, cuma I takde boxing gloves je.
My conscious is clear. Truthfully, I was a whirlwind of emotions, especially, during the typical-teenager-turning-into-an-adult period.
At the rate things are going, I've been thinking a lot these days. I hardly get emotionally attached to anything, and it's as good as being numb. No more tantrums, hiding in caves, and now, facing my fears, sometimes even every other day. Occassional emo days still stay but shorter and much less severe.
Life has moved to the next level, like how you levelled up in old classic game of Tetris. The blocks are coming down faster, harder and weirder.
Take for example - my job. It was stressful before. Now, it's more stressful than ever. I'm meeting top management every other month, preparing reports every other week. Once in a while, I get called to talk, present and share knowledge and experience. It's tiring to be the one sought after, sometimes I can't even tell if these people are using me. From what started as an honour for me, became a burden. At times, I find myself justifying for my own existence in the company. It's scary. I guess, everyone has to protect their rice bowls once in a while.
Oh well, every job has it's perks and sacrifices. It makes me feel old, very old, you know.
Relationship wise - I have none. I do, however, have very, very closely matched choices. The first one has the volatile attitude (possibly to "test" or avoid reality until he is ready, God knows, I've stopped trying to understand) and the other one, well, is unique in his own ways.
The latter is patient, funny, soothing and most importantly, understanding. So, yes, you can say I am somewhat at a crossroad. As much as I would like to delay or avoid it, the eventuality seems imminent.
Someone, told me, sometimes women (or people for that matter), need to feel hurt to be happy (speaking of me hoping for the 1st guy to reciprocate properly). I disagree. Trust me, I'm not addicted to pain. Although, the former, may not be adequately stable to my liking, but there are too many variables at play (distance, emotional baggage, you know the drill).
The question is, despite all that I have, am I going to fight for the what seems to be, impossible? I am running out of options and perhaps, the latter, may stand a chance after all. No, don't get me wrong, I'm not treating him as rebound (trust me, I've known him enough to know what I'm getting myself into).
The other issue I have, is about family. Finally, I am going to throw away that lackadaisal attitude and taking them for granted previously. My mom, is getting ill every other month. Though it's just cough and colds, sometimes, I can't help wonder, what if she's gone?
For one, I have no freaking idea how to run her company of 15 people. To some extent, maybe, I have regretted not being an engineer (I've considered that at some point of my life). She's the sole principal managing the relationships and contracts with government people and trust me, I don't know any of them.
I just realised how detached I am from her career and life. Now, I understand why, some families would like their sons and daughters study certain things for continuity of the business empire they've built.
Probably, you'd be thinking I'm thinking too much. Trust me, historically, I find being mentally prepared helps to absorb certain shocks in life.
Having said all that, I am happy that at least, I'm not dealing with life and death situations right now. God, is, somehow helpful when you're going through these things in life. I've become closer to my extended family members who support me, and made very, very, good friends. Not to mention, having some financial stability and new interests to keep myself amused. Life is, good in the end. :)
Goodbye old me. Hello, adulthood.
What a week, what a week. It's been awfully busy helping to man for my cousin's wedding. Not to mention the last minute making of bunga pahar, bunga rampai and being on-duty for bunga telor on that big day.
I didn't know it takes great patience to make bunga rampai till my fingers bleed thanks to shredding the pandan leaves ever so finely using Gillete shaving blades. It was only towards the end I finally figured, I should've not held the blade bare with my hands, but what the hell.
By the end of the 3 hours, I was known as the one with the rhetorical question:
"Who the hell invented this bunga rampai recipe? Why does it have to be this complicated?"
So I have a theory. My theory is that housewives long ago had nothing else better to do so they were all dipingit in the kitchen. So to kill time, they invented this sophisticated recipe of Malay potpourri. In case you're wondering how to make them, I'm presenting to you the recipe I've learnt from my cousin:
Ingredients:
1. Pandan leaves
2. Flowers of sorts (multicoloured to give the vibrant colourful look)
3. Brylcream.
4. Perfume(s) of your choice.
Other resources:
A bunch of patient/persistent women/girl cousins and in some rare circumstances, men who have nothing else better to do the night before the wedding.
Step 1:
Shred pandan leaves and flowers in strips (to the last milimeters).
Tip: The easiest way (as taught my cousin) is to band the pandan leaves together, as tight as possible, and shred them using the Gillete blades. The secret is to glide over the leaves instead of cutting them piece by piece and doing it with a number of people. Trust me, even after 3 hours, the most you'll get is a nice bowl-ful of supply.
There's also others' suggestion using blender/chopper (though we preferred the assured, hard laboured method)
Step 2:
Once you have a sufficient amount of pandan and flower in a bowl, take a spoonful (or as much as appropriate) amount of brylcream and mix them together using your hands (of course). This is to avoid the bunga rampai looking like dead flowers and leaves the next day.
Step 3:
Blend everything with perfume secukup rasa.
Voila! There you have the Malay version of potpourri.
In case you're wondering, this potpourri makes excellent hantaran and merenjis ingredients.
Warm coffee,
Juicy gossips,
Scrumptuous nasi lemak,
Smiling faces,
That used to spice each morning,
Seems so bland.
If you only knew, my love.
My brother graduated today. Finally, after 6 years of studying, they gave him the scroll he most deserved (I wonder if it's in Russian or English. Hmm).
Everyone knows, it takes huge sacrifices to study medic.
For one, my brother hasn't celebrated raya at home for the past 5 years.. the pains of reading and studying.
Oh, not to mention the emotional trauma too. There's this particular incident - I remember finding him staying awake at night after I came back from my old job (when I was still slaving away till wee hours in the morning).
He was looking rather depressed, passing his time over internet games despite having to clock in early in the hospital for the next day.
MD Bro: Ada patient meninggal harini. First death for me.
Me: Oh? Siapa? Kat mana?
MD Bro: Someone at the OT for heart bypass surgery. I was observing the whole thing.
Me: Erh, OK.
MD Bro: It was supposed to be a normal procedure you know. The patient is one of those yang you won't expect to die lah. Family semua siap datang, sempat berlawak ngan patient semua.
Me: Then, what happened?
MD Bro: The operation was sucessful. Tapi, the patient's heart just died, slowly in several hours after that.
(Silence)
MD Bro: Yang tak tahan tu, cucu dia nangis meraung masa dia dapat tau tok dia dah meninggal. Rasa depressed gila masa tu. I don't know if I can go through this, especially when dealing with patients' family and all.
Me: Erh, maybe you might want to choose a specialisation where deaths are less common lah kut? I mean that's when you further your studies later.. Like E&T ke?
I knew that last part was a silly thing to say, not that it was helping on what he was feeling.
MD Bro: Oh well. That's a long way to go. Tak pikir sangat lagi pasal tu.
At that moment, I was really glad I didn't the path that I initially wanted. Like they say, the first cut is the deepest, so was his first patient's death, I guess.
Anyway, I can't tell you how proud I am to be his sister (tumpang glamer jap). Hehe. Then again, I'm not sure if I'll let him deliver my baby. Yes, he's about to be a fully qualified MD soon, but being his sister, I do feel a little akward in this matter. Oh well, not that it's going to happen anytime soon anyway.
So guilt over. I'm happy enough to have a brother who'd be wearing the white coat saving lives day in, day out while I ride on him for free MCs. :P. Imagine having a pre-signed MC booklet in your house to use as you please. :D
Not bad, eh?
So bro, you made us all proud. And I'm sure mom is the proudest one of all. I guess the scroll justifies you being her favourite all these times, eh? :)
ps: By the way this weekend is going to be the most hectic. Will write about it later.
Foot prints I've once trailed are now gone. I hope they'll reappear somewhere, somehow.
Days pass so slowly these days. Then again, who the fuck cares anyway.
My cousin just tied the knot last night so yes, I've been very occupied during the weekend. I'll write about that in detail some other time.
I wanted to write about this drema I had. I've had many dreams, mainly absurd with non-sensical storylines, but this one is one of the strangest I've ever had.
Tired from kenduri, I took the liberty to take a nap at my kampung (the event was in Melacca and my grandma's is at negeri).
After eating some durians (oh, heavenly they were!), I lazed around my grandma's bed and fell asleep. People kept entering the room where I was so my nap was greatly disturbed.
It was towards the end of my nap then I saw a man crying. Just when I was about to reach out to him, he's gone. This dream has happened a few times at night, only today it's much more vivid.
At that moment, his sadness penetrated so deeply into my soul that I woke up with immense palpitation on my chest. It felt as though I was the one crying but no, it wasn't me.
If only I knew who he was.
ps: Any dream intepretor reading this right now? I would definitely appreciate an explanation or two on what's going on. Hmm..